MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD — Montgomery County Public Schools has announced its most ambitious fundraising drive yet, asking families to consider donating unwanted internal organs that can be sold on the black market to help close the school system’s budget gap.
Officials say the new “Give From the Heart – And Kidneys” campaign will replace traditional fundraisers involving wrapping paper, cookie dough, and overpriced tubs of popcorn.
“For years, parents have told us they’re tired of selling $24 candles to their coworkers,” an MCPS spokesperson said. “We listened.”
Donation packets sent home with students reportedly include checkboxes for kidneys, portions of the liver, bone marrow, and “other organs subject to market conditions.” The packet also includes standard sales scripts to convince family and friends to donate to the cause.
One MCPS administrator explained, “part of this is to raise money for our schools, but the other part is to help our students develop their sales skills. Learning rebuttal skills is a key part of the growth we want to instill in our students.”
When we asked the administrator of their plans to donate any organs or approach their friends and family, they immediately replied “No comment” and asked us to leave school grounds.
Students are also being encouraged to participate in a school wide competition. The elementary, middle, and high schools collecting the highest estimated black-market value will receive a pizza party, assuming sufficient funds remain after administrative expenses. MCPS emphasized that participation is completely voluntary, although students returning their donation forms without an organ listed may receive several increasingly aggressive reminders through ParentVUE.
County officials called the program an innovative example of finding new revenue sources without raising taxes. Officials acknowledged that property taxes have already increased in each of the past two years, but explained that apparently taxpayers still have a few functioning organs left.
“Montgomery County families have already given us everything else,” one official explained. “So we started looking at what they had left.”
At press time, MCPS was reportedly reconsidering the program after discovering the county intended to impose a 10-cent bag tax on every organ transported in a plastic bag.
MoCo Shit Show – watch your step