POTOMAC, MD — Residents of Potomac and North Potomac gathered this past weekend for the annual reenactment of one of Montgomery County’s darkest and most unnecessary conflicts: The Great Potomac Civil War.
The conflict was fought over the fundamental question that has divided Montgomery County for generations: Is North Potomac actually Potomac, or is it just Gaithersburg with better branding?
According to local legend, hostilities began when residents of North Potomac started casually telling people they lived in “Potomac,” conveniently leaving out the one word that made that statement untrue.
Potomac residents considered this an act of aggression.
“You can’t just add ‘North’ to our name and suddenly become us,” said reenactor William Thomas Harrington, IV, adjusting his Lululemon tactical vest. “There are standards that civil human beings must uphold. They should just call themselves ‘West Gaithersburg’.”
North Potomac residents responded by declaring that maybe Potomac residents should adopt “South Potomac”, if they’re so worried about their so called standards.
“We have every right to the Potomac name, citing large houses, excellent schools, and at least two or three luxury SUVs in every cul-de-sac”, one resident explained.
The conflict quickly escalated.
The Battle of Travilah Road
The bloodiest engagement occurred along Travilah Road, where Potomac forces established a defensive line of Range Rovers and attempted to prevent North Potomac residents from advancing south.
The army of the North Potomac countered with a massive Lexus offensive. Witnesses said the fighting lasted nearly 45 minutes before both armies temporarily stopped because someone had to take their daughter to travel soccer.
Treaty of Quince Orchard
Peace negotiations eventually produced the historic Treaty of Quince Orchard, allowing North Potomac to retain the Potomac name under one condition: everyone had to acknowledge that the “North” mattered, and that, much like North Bethesda isn’t really Bethesda, North Potomac isn’t really Potomac, no matter what you tell people when you’re away on vacation.
The treaty has maintained an uneasy peace ever since.Tensions briefly resurfaced during Saturday’s reenactment when a North Potomac resident reportedly told spectators, “We might have been part of Gaithersburg once, but now we basically live in Potomac.”
Several Potomac reenactors immediately reached for their weapons, before calm was once again restored by a small group of nearby Gaithersburg officials.
The intervening Gaithersburg officials declined to officially comment, saying they were simply pleased that, after all these years, North Potomac residents were finally willing to admit where they came from.